Trusting Him

Monday, 6 July 2020

When I first left my husband and began this journey of freedom and healing, God told me this is the season to trust in Him. He will meet all my needs. Let me tell you, that God is so faithful that He has met all my needs! This journey has not been at all easy like I thought it would be. I was so excited when God said to trust Him, and everything would be ok. For some reason, I thought His promise meant I would just skip off into the sunset without a care in the world. Boy, was I SO wrong!

I often get overwhelmed with panic and anxiety about my husband. He's so unpredictable. He's done some things that really have me just fearing for my safety. Currently, his visits are virtual because of the coronavirus. Every visit with him virtually in my dining room leaves me afraid. The sound of his voice brings back so many traumatic memories. I hear my kids telling him details of my life, of their life. It gets overwhelming. I often get depressed for the rest of the day. 

For the entirety of their lives, I've had a rule about secrets. We don't keep secrets in our family. I implemented this rule because my husband always had sketchy characters around, and I worried they would do something they shouldn’t and ask my children to keep it a secret. I worried their dad would take them somewhere he shouldn’t and ask them to keep it a secret from mommy. Now that our family has lost a member, and is different, I find myself wanting to keep secrets. I try to explain to the girls that I don't want them telling Daddy everything I do and say. I recognize this is a slippery slope, so I have requested that the kids don’t talk about me with their dad. He doesn't need to know who I talk to. He doesn't need to know anything more than he can find on my blog. Quite frankly, I don't feel safe with him knowing anything more.

Yesterday was a visit with their dad. They began to tell their dad about a friend I have. This friend is a man. Through this friend, I'm learning how healthy, whole men interact with women. I'm learning that the problem wasn't me, it was my husband. I mean, I knew that the abuse wasn't my fault, but confirmation that I am a good mom, friend, and human being is really nice. He's the broken one. After the girls told their dad about my friend, I called this friend to tell him I don't feel safe being friends with a man. I'm afraid my husband will retaliate and come after me. He told me I’ve done nothing wrong. He told me to do whatever I need to do to feel safe. The safety of myself and my kids are what is most important.

After he suggested I figure out a way to stop allowing my husband to control my life, I asked if we could read Psalm 91 together. Of course, we did. I read Psalm 91 and got pretty choked up as I was reading. When I was finished, my friend asked me if I believe what I had just read. Well, of course, I believe it. I go to this passage of scripture often. I have it written on my bedroom mirror so I can’t forget it. Next, he asked me if I trust what I had just read. He asked if I trust in Him.

I almost cried as I said that I did. The truth is though, that I did not trust what I was reading. If I did, I would not have been a mess in my bed, hiding under the covers. The realization shook me. Since that conversation, I have really been thinking and praying about trusting Him. The truth is that if I did trust God to fulfill the promises in Psalm 91, I would not be afraid of my husband coming to get me because my children tell him I have a male friend. I would not think that having a friend of the opposite sex is something I am doing wrong and need to hide from anyone. Those thoughts are a product of the years of narcissistic abuse and irrational jealousy. 

I was never allowed to have male friends. A few years ago, I was at my parents’ house for a visit. My husband had stayed home for whatever reason. My big brother, who I had not seen in YEARS was there! I snapped a selfie of course and excitedly sent it to my husband. His response was not exciting or happy. His response was jealous and terrible. My husband was jealous of my brother. He actually thought I would meet up with another man and then send him a photo of it. I don’t even know that he believed the man in the photo was really my brother until they met at a later time. When I saw my other big brother for the first time in years, the selfie I sent my husband with a disclaimer that the man in the photo was my brother. 

I’ve learned that trusting God means I am free, like, really free! I am free to live my life as I see fit. I will not choose my friends based on how my soon-to-be-ex-husband will react to those friendships. His reactions and inability to see the reality that is the end of our marriage are his problem, and his problem alone. I no longer have to choose how I live my life based on how he will feel about my choices. It means that I will be safe no matter what part of my life my children share with their dad. God has promised to keep me safe, and He is faithful to keep his promises.

This morning, I was lead to another Psalm of protection to pray over my life. It’s Psalm 37. Over and over again, God says to trust Him, and everything will be ok. Trust Him, and my enemies will be destroyed. Trust Him, and I will be safe. Trust Him, and I will have the desires of my heart.

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